Expectations

Photo Credit: {this is glamourous}

Do you ever let your imagination run wild and then end up disappointed that reality doesn't match up to your dreams? I have this problem often. I realized this a year or so ago and ever since have been attempting to suppress my dreams of perfection to the back of my head, but they still pop up and push their way through. My primary source of fanciful dreams? Holidays.

Perhaps not Christmas, because as I've previously wrote, my Christmas traditions (usually) leave me with nothing to expect. Which is a good thing. But these open ended holidays, mainly New Year's and Valentine's day, are the ones that trouble me the most. Their possibilities are endless and the way that the media, magazines, and/or artistic bloggers hype them, I have no choice but to expect for events to pan out similarly to their ideals. Does this make sense?

For example, think of the ideal New Year's bash. Most women are wearing sparkling cocktail dresses, hair coiffed perfectly, in the most seductive of heels, donning fun party hats or glasses, while sipping champagne. Am I right? The icing on the cake of this fantasy is the gorgeous and devoted guy on her arm, simultaneously ready to get a little crazy and sweep her off her feet in a new year's kiss. When these realities don't work out for me, (which is, EVERY YEAR OF MY LIFE) I can't help but be disappointed. Because I mean, this is reality right? This is what we expect to happen!

And here we are, on the eve of Valentine's day, the events of the past year are looming on my doorstep, and I'm afraid that tomorrow they will rule my day. My expectations of a sweet date, a pretty dress, and maybe a romantic dessert were shattered one year ago, and they will be shattered again tomorrow. I can't help but think of this day and connect it with all that I can't have, which then ruins all that I can have: delicious chocolates, cute cards, and fun with friends.

I am trying really hard to accept what I can and can't have, while simultaneously trying to weasel some romance out of the dregs of my life.

Applause, applause - Life is our cause

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Traveling, traveling, traveling
Looking for something, what can it be
Oh I hate you some, I hate you some, I love you some
Oh I love you when I forget about me
I want to be strong I want to laugh along
I want to belong to the living
Alive, alive, I want to get up and jive
I want to wreck my stockings in some juke box dive
Do you want - do you want - do you want to dance with me baby
Do you want to take a chance
On maybe finding some sweet romance with me baby

Well, come on
All I really really want our love to do
Is to bring out the best in me and in you too
All I really really want our love to do
Is to bring out the best in me and in you
I want to talk to you, I want to shampoo you
I want to renew you again and again
Applause, applause - Life is our cause
When I think of your kisses my mind see-saws
Do you see - do you see - do you see how you hurt me baby
So I hurt you too
Then we both get so blue.

I am on a lonely road and I am traveling
Looking for the key to set me free
Oh the jealousy, the greed is the unraveling
It's the unraveling
And it undoes all the joy that could be
I want to have fun, I want to shine like the sun
I want to be the one that you want to see
I want to knit you a sweater
Want to write you a love letter
I want to make you feel better
I want to make you feel free
I want to make you feel free

Dedicated to my former future

When you came to me with your bad dreams and your fears

It was easy to see that you'd been crying
Seems like everywhere you turn catastrophe it reigns
But who really profits from the dying
I could hold you in my arms
I could hold you forever

I could and I would, and I will.

Will I end up like this man? If I could only be that lucky.

know.

Why are friendships so complex? When you love someone, shouldn't that be all? I hate wading through all of the insecurities, schedule conflicts, and so called personal needs to finally get to that moment where we're laughing like we always did. It seems like that feeling is so hard to get to, but I would do anything to reach it more often.

When the timing is more often off than on, that is when my insecurities set in and start to take over. Why do we believe the wild thought that is only in our mind? It isn't often true. The horrible thing is that I have an uncanny sense of intuition, much more attuned than the regular feminine variety, so what if my worried thoughts are in fact true?

I just rest on the hope that things will be alright. That we will survive this and no matter what we will mean something deep to each other in the end. I know this is true.

P.S.

Boys are stupid.

That is all.

Sade knows best.







Girl angst, girl angst, please begone! :)

I feel it.

Tonight, someone reminded me that...

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.

-Alfred Lord Tennyson

I'm thankful that I have known love.

therapy

For me, crying is therapy. I cry over everything. I have determined that whenever I experience an intense emotion, whether it be happy or sad, I feel the need to cry. I just experience emotions really intensely.

Today I was in the bank, and "Linger" by The Cranberries came on. I haven't listened to that song lately, because, I mean, even when I wasn't in my current state, that song made me cry. But I decided to listen to it now, and share it with you. Another song to add to the list of redefined relevance.



But I'm in so deep. You know I'm such a fool for you.
You got me wrapped around your finger,
Do you have to let it linger?


Oh, I thought the world of you.
I thought nothing could go wrong,
But I was wrong. I was wrong.
If you, if you could get by, trying not to lie,
Things wouldn't be so confused and I wouldn't feel so used,
But you always really knew, I just wanna be with you.

On a slightly happier note, another song that keeps coming to mind is the Ditty Bops "All Over You." This song is precious in general (the Ditty Bops are precious in general) but it is also re-defined.




Every time I see your smile
It gives me a chill
I'm waiting for that cold embrace
To warm me still
To me you're everything except for mine

Sorry to get all sappy up in here.

mind musings.

“I was born with an enormous need for affection, and a terrible need to give it.” -Audrey Hepburn

That's me.

I realized that today. It's not even that I need to reply on (ahem) "people", it's that I really enjoy "people" relying on me! When those who are close to me give me their dependence, I in turn feel loved. I miss being a support.

But, I need to remember:

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” Jer 29:11

Hope and a future. No harm. This is so simple and so good.

P.S. I know that this is an art blog...or supposed to be one...but my mind has many thoughts that need to be recorded. When all my thoughts are sorted and simpler, I'm more prone to be artistic anyway! 

P.P.S. The Audrey quote was stolen from the beautiful Hannah's facebook.

The Hazards of Love 4 (The Drowned) - The Decemberists

But I pulled you and I called you here
(Didn't I? Didn't I? Didn't I?)
And I caught you and I brought you here
(Didn't I? Didn't I? Didn't I?)
These hazards of love
Never more will trouble us


I have been noticing how, upon life changing circumstances, songs have an entirely different significance. This is apparent to me every day. 

(If anyone has not listened to the album The Hazards of Love by The Decemberists, you should, it is an epic.)


How to Survive a Trainwreck by Day of Lions is particularly speaking to me, although I cannot seem to find the lyrics, nor the song itself online...strange.


Embarassingly, Nothing Compares 2 U by Sinead O'Connor is another song that has been completely redefined. Even though Sinead is typically seen as "off" sort of person, shaved head/tearing up the Pope's photo and all, no one can deny the emotion that is brought about by her performance. The simplicity of the images, the strong and direct eye contact are powerful. I feel confronted by her, and her situation. Not to mention, the song is beautifully written and performed. I have always thought this about the song (although I would usually listen to the Hawaiian version sung by The Coconutz), but now I have no desire but to listen to Sinead's version. I enjoy feeling in sync with the emotion of the song. 


And again, I realize that this song has different meaning to me now than it did 3 weeks ago, as so many things now do.

This was going to be about art...but...

Things have changed in my life, dramatically, and traumatically. I guess I don't want to go into detail, that isn't the purpose of this blog. But I wonder how it will effect my artistic abilities.

Will I be more creative out of these intense emotions? Or will I be even more stunted? We shall see.